Caught up in Circles.
by Flip1
Summary: The four sided triangle reflect upon recent events.
1. If You Fall (Whitney).

Disclaimer:  I don't own it, but you probably know that.

Author's Note: I watched the repeat of 'Crush' today, and the graveyard scene inspired me to write this.  I know a lot of people have done these, but I just thought I'd put forward my opinion of what's going on in their heads.  I know using the words from 'Time after time' for titles is a bit clichéd now, (everyone seems to be doing it) but I just thought it fitted the mood.

Chapter 1: If You Fall (Whitney).

I knew it was coming, I was prepared; or at least I thought I was.  They say people 'die suddenly' if they're hit by a car, or fall out of a window, or get shot.  What I realise now; that I didn't before, is that no matter how much warning you have, death is always sudden.

I was under the impression that if I just held onto him, I could stop it.  He was dying, I knew that, but he was my Dad and, if I'm really honest, I never believed he would die.  When I explained to Clark why I didn't visit the hospital, I lied, I wasn't trying to preserve a memory, I was grasping the one thing I had that stopped it being real, denial.

I'm glad it's raining, 'cause I don't feel this is real yet.  I can still pretend my face is wet because of the raindrops.  I can still pretend he's at home, 'he's not dead, he's just sleeping', I never understood how comforting those words are when you have to cope with this loss, this hole, this gaping abyss inside.  Lana tries to comfort me, she tells me she knows how it feels, but, no offence to Lana, she doesn't.

She was only four, when both her parents died; she's spent longer without them than with them.  Of the time she spent with them, she can probably remember a few snatched memories mingled with images forged from stories Nell told her.  I have real memories, real loss.  But, that's not true, she's the one with the real loss, and she never got memories of her parents.  She mourns the missed opportunities; I mourn the man.

My Dad, he was good, honest, kind, and ambitious.  Not for himself, he was content with his life, but for me.  He saw I wanted more and encouraged me in my dreams, I'm eternally grateful to Lex for allowing my Dad to see me play with The Sharks, possibly my proudest moment.  All I can think now though is how bittersweet it was, he saw me play, but only because it was the only way he ever would.  I've had to be strong for people for a long time, I've supported Lana for years, then my Mom, but recently I've had Lana supporting me.  I've made her stronger than ever before, so strong she no longer needs me.

The tables have turned; I need Lana.  But, I know she doesn't want me.  Chloe would be amazed by the insight of a jock, but despite her opinion, I'm not stupid.  I've known for a while Lana wanted Clark, but she has to make the move herself, I'm not a Roman general, I won't be falling on my sword.  I realised long ago I would lose to Kent; I'm prepared.  I just need to keep her for a little while longer, just until I can wake up and make it through the day alone.  All I need is a bit more time.  

I've started to see the parallels between life and love.  The doctor has declared Lana and I terminal, we're living on borrowed time.  But, if I can just hold onto her until I've started to cope, I'll let her go.  I know they say 'if you love someone, let them go', but Lana wouldn't, not until she knew I was all right.  In any other situation I'd put on a brave face, but I can't I have to be selfish, just for a little longer, because right now I'm falling and I don't know how to stop.


	2. I Will Catch You (Lana).

Disclaimer: It isn't mine, funny that.

Chapter 2: I Will Catch You (Lana).

I'm a bad person.  Like truly evil.  I'm at my boyfriend's father's funeral and all I can think of is how Clark kisses.  I shouldn't think these things, I don't want to.  Maybe, I never should have apologised for what I said under the Nicodemus.  If we'd broken up then, maybe it would have been better.

Whitney has supported me for so long, I should be there for him.  Sometimes I've caught him; watching me watching Clark.  It's made me wonder if he knows it's coming.  Other times I've wished I had the strength to just let him go, this can't be healthy for either of us.  Now I have the strength, but I have to loan it to him to help him through these times.

I know what he's going through, my parents died, but I often wonder if he sees it the same way.  Maybe, he thinks he has more to mourn, but he has years I never did.  But, maybe that's it, he misses what was and I what might have been.  If that's the case, I have more to mourn; my relationship with Whitney is not what it should be.  We've never really bonded.  I mean spiritually, of course, but even the sex was strangely out of place.  For starters, we've only done it three times.  It wasn't bad, and I wanted it, but each time it was like an actual accident.  

The first time we did it was right after Clark told me about Whitney's problems in his barn.  One minute we were talking, and the next we were making out, and somehow when things went further it we both felt it was right, we just didn't want to make a habit of it.  The second time was after Whitney lost his scholarship and got involved with that weird gang.  The third time was last night, I couldn't do anything for him, and so I slept with him.  I don't suppose they're the most sensible reasons to sleep with someone, but I don't see myself regretting it.  I wouldn't ever broadcast it, but I couldn't regret it.  For a period of time, we were normal kids doing what they do.  At first I was worried Whitney would tell, but he promised no one would ever know if I didn't want them to.  The rest of the team tease him about being a virgin, he's probably the only one who isn't.

I'll stand by Whitney; look after him.  Maybe I'll love him, if I just try hard enough.  Maybe I'll care' if I just pretend enough.  Maybe I won't want Clark, if I just stay away enough.  Maybe Whitney will dump me, if I'm just lucky enough.


	3. I'll Be Waiting (Clark).

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter 3: I'll Be Waiting (Clark).

I feel bad about being here considering I didn't really know the man we're burying, but my friend needs me.  It's weird to think of Whitney that way, as a friend.  He's never been my number one fan; just as I've never been his, but I think that whole thing a few weeks ago brought us closer together.  We'll never be best friends, but I'm here for him as much, if not more, than for Lana.

The only reason we've ever had to fight is starting to bring us together.  I've stopped actively chasing Lana, and he's allowed her to go somewhat.  We've finally stood back and let her make her own decision.  From the way she looks at me I can see what it is, I wonder if he can too?  I know now it can happen, but I don't know if it will, facing facts she won't leave Whitney for a while after this.  He might let her go, but I doubt it, now is the time when he needs her most, if he dumps her they won't share the same relationship, even if they stay friends.

I feel bad about making eyes at her here, but I can't help it.  Her good heart is one of her best features, and seeing her here doing the right thing makes me love her more.  I'm sure Chloe would comment on the cliché of pining for someone in the rain at a funeral, but it doesn't make this any less difficult.  I've watched her for years and she's never noticed, now she has and it's no better than before.  Chloe would be an easy option, she'd give me time and care for me, but she wouldn't be Lana.  I've started to see Chloe differently, but she's the girl you're friends with in high school because you don't see the true nature of her until later.  Lex told me that love is about risks; well I'm willing to risk my friendship with Lana.  It sounds dumb, I know, but I care about Chloe too much to have a relationship with her.

Lana is whom I should be with now, but if I screwed things up I could cope.  Also, Lana has a lot less curiosity than Chloe, but then the proverbial cat probably had less than Chloe.  My life is complicated enough with all these crazy people appearing all the time, Lana would provide respite, Chloe wouldn't.

I don't like funerals, I always feel like every time I go to one it's because I've failed someone.  I wasn't quick enough, or strong enough, or good enough.  For once, I know I've done my best, Mr. Fordman saw his son play with the Sharks, and I helped him as best I could.  That's what scares me most, not what I didn't save people from, but what I couldn't.


	4. Time After Time (Chloe).

Disclaimer:  Take a wild guess.

Chapter 4: Time After Time (Chloe).

Funerals are ten a penny in Smallville, but this one's different, no detached view of death here.  You can't wipe it off as random and unique, this was natural causes.  The coroner was probably glad of one that didn't involve spontaneous combustion, heat sucking, or some other bizarre occurrence.  I don't know what to do or say in this situation, maybe there isn't anything I can do.  Whitney's a good person; he doesn't deserve the things that have been happening to him recently.  He certainly doesn't deserve Clark and Lana's 'Romeo and Juliet' impersonation; you'd think they'd knock it off here.

I think we should take time out and evaluate our lives, not all the time, but at times like these.  For some reason this has really hit home now.  If Clark is prepared to flirt over a grave at her, I really don't stand a chance do I?  In fact, I've probably got a better chance with Lex, Whitney, or Ben Afflek.  This is it I officially quit chasing Clark, he knows I'm here if he wants me, he can come and get me.

The rain comes down and I feel like I'm in the last act of some movie where every one has missed their chance and is stuck in the land of 'what might have been', well screw that.  I'll make the best of whatever I'm given, even though something tells me it won't be Clark.

In the grand scheme of things all you have to do is find your place, once you know where you come, you can work on accepting it.  Well, if life were 'Buffy: The Vampire Slayer' I'd be Xander.  Working on the theory that Clark's the hero (Buffy) and Lana's the unattainable love interest (Angel), then I'm the wise cracking best friend always ready to help out, and desperate to be noticed.  But I can live with that, I mean I get the best lines and eventually I bond with someone who actually wants me, while the hero has a string of relationships that never measure up to that first one.

Funerals, so my Dad tells me, are a time for reflection, symbolic of burying the past.  They aren't about the person being buried; they're about the people doing the burying.  They offer closure, and when you start with closure, you do a lot of it.  I just wish I knew what Clark was hoping to close; the chapter of his life where he chases Lana or the chapter where she runs.


End file.
